What is a toxic relationship? As with anything, there is a spectrum of toxicity, but for the sake of this episode, I'm going to define toxic relationships as relationships formed on trauma bonds.
Trauma bonds occur when we go through periods of intense love and excitement with a person followed by periods of abuse, neglect, and mistreatment. This can be in the form of emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and so on. When you experience extreme lows followed by extreme highs, you can get addicted to the cycle of toxicity, and bond with the other person also experiencing this rollercoaster of emotions.
In most cases, this trauma feels familiar because it started at home and during childhood. As adults, we subconsciously attract toxic relationships that mimic childhood abuse and environments as a way of attempting to call attention to (or ultimately heal) the trauma. Unfortunately, instead of healing, many of us get locked into relationships that we know are not for our highest good.
On the spiritual side of things, toxic relationships come into our lives to initiate healing. However, what happens on the practical level is that we become addicted to the toxic cycle and the other person. We begin to rely on another person to do the healing for us, and when those low-lows come, we seek those high-highs as temporary comfort. In truth, all you need to heal is yourself, and the desire to break those toxic patterns.
So have you attracted a toxic relationship? If so, ask yourself:
What kind of environment were you raised in?
How were you shown love as a child?
Does chaos feel safe?
As adults, that addiction to chaos and that instinct to seek out comfort from toxic individuals will continue until you choose to heal from your trauma. Toxicity is drawn to us as a way to initiate healing, but it is up to us to discover the hidden pattern and heal it.
Next time you are in an argument, or feel triggered, or find yourself in an extreme low with your partner, identify the trigger and ask yourself how far back it goes. Follow the trigger’s line of energy. When was the first time you felt this way? Does the trigger connect to a memory? Go back to an event or a person?
When you identify where your trigger is coming from, you’ve done half the work right there, and you can begin to heal.
And when you experience an extreme low and you feel that urge to go back to them, ask yourself:
Do you truly love them, or are you afraid of being without them?
Are you afraid of being alone?
What are you avoiding within yourself?
Why do you believe that you don't deserve real, stable love?
To truly heal, you have to sit with yourSelf and feel. We have to feel it to heal it. It can be painful and uncomfortable, but being on the other side is so worth it -- to be free.
Once you begin the work, you will begin to realize the trauma wasn’t love after all, and that you became addicted to a toxic cycle of abuse. (Another possibility: both partners realize the pattern, and begin to work on themselves, and grow and heal together)
You deserve real, true, authentic love, and you deserve to heal. <3
Sending you all love,
Sacred Queen Embodiment Guide